Mr. Samuel B. Tilgner
It's true that you have only been with Mum and Dad Corp. for 5 months and 1 week, however, we feel that now would be a good time to review your performance thus far in order to identify any issues that require attention before your 6 month probationary period ends.
Firstly, you are definitely adorable in appearance and behaviour. Additionally, your abilities to steady your head and sit up (like such a big boy!) almost unaided are certainly impressive. Your hand-eye coordination is coming along nicely and we are particularly amused by the enthusiasm with which you play with your feet. Most notable are your advancements in communication which (to our great delight) now includes raspberries and - finally - laughing!
Having said all this, Sam, we feel there is one area in which you are lacking.
Frankly, Sam, your efforts in this regard are bush league. We at Mum and Dad Corp. feel we have made every accommodation to promote growth and development of this skill, nevertheless, you continue to phone it in. Despite our gentle encouragement for you to learn to fall asleep on your own (for naps and at bedtime), you continue to insist on nursing to sleep and scream in protest when this is denied to you.
THEN! When you do fall asleep, you take great pains to be unpredictable about the length of time in which you will remain so. Specifically, you like to wake up approximately 20 minutes after the Mum has fallen asleep. Sometimes, to really keep us on our toes, you choose to wake just as the Executive Directors of Mum and Dad Corp. are about to engage in an important meeting. We do not appreciate this.
And seriously dude, 3 hours in a row is simply not enough. It should go without saying that anything less is also not acceptable. Your personal best of 5 hours and 45 minutes was wonderful, but has never been repeated and therefore will not be considered when evaluating your current performance. In other words, kid, what have you done for me lately?
Finally, your inability to recognize 5 a.m. as a time for sleep rather than play is also reflecting poorly on your review at this time.
If you don't start bringing your A game very soon, we are going to have to let you go. This would be unfortunate because we've really grown quite fond of you, but we have to keep the greater good of the Corporation in mind.
Thank you for your attention to this matter and we look forward to seeing some progress in the near future.
Mum and Dad