I have the bad habit of signing into my blog with the intention of writing some fabulous, witty post that will surely win me accolades and an invitation to publish somewhere very prestigious, but instead I get distracted reading the new fabulous, witty posts on all the other blogs that I follow. Inevitably I become intimidated by the superior writing and funnier stories of these other women, and I end up writing nothing of my own.
I've been struggling a lot with blogging lately. Or maybe my blogging angst is just a festering little microcosm for the rest of my chaotic directionless life.
Alright, my life is not terribly chaotic. In fact, we've settled into a nice routine despite the fact that my work schedule is so unpredictable. Sam seems to adjust readily enough to me being around or not. One of the bonuses of David having been home since Sam was born is that we are more or less interchangeable to him. Y'know, besides the whole milk thing.
To say my life is directionless isn't fair either. I know where I'd like to be in 10 years, ideally. I just have no Earthly idea how the heck I'm going to get there.
Drama aside, I am feeling a bit overwhelmed these days. I'm kind of on the cusp of a lot of things (or maybe nothing) career-wise. I'm enjoying this summer with Sam and David with childlike abandon (seriously, we are at the beach at least 5 times a week!) but I know it won't last forever and I need to plan for the cold and rainy months ahead. There are a bunch of things we need to do with, and around, the house that are just not affordable in the foreseeable future and that drives me crazy. I am the negligent, absentee maid of honour in my friend's wedding two months from now, which I'm starting to feel guilty about.
All these things. And for some reason I feel anxious if I fall behind in blogging lest I let down my 14 followers.
See, I want to be a good blogger - a good writer. But I also want to be a good mother. And a good wife. And a good nurse. I want to have a clean house. I want to run 3 times a week. I want to go to the beach. I want to read the stack of books on my bedside table. I want to cook healthy food. And I need sleep. You see where I'm going here? I want all these things and I want to be all zen and shit about it.
So I'm having one of those realizations that I simply cannot do and be all the things that I want to do and be all at once. There just aren't enough hours in the day and there is not enough ATP in my body.
As a result, I'm going to sit here with my cup of pep-schnapp's infused hot chocolate (yeah, I know it was like 30 degrees today, shut up!) and do what I do best: make lists.
Things that are important to me / worth my time
Sam and David
Being healthy & balanced
Being conscientious, intelligent and thoughtful
Being a good friend
Being good at and enjoying my career
Setting a good example
Being fit (read: getting my ass out there for regular exercise so that I feel good and have the energy for everything else on this list)
(. . . notably, having a clean house is absent from this list . . . Hm.)
So I am making a commitment to stop being so hard on myself and to focus on the important things. For example, I've been working on this post for a few days and I'm tired of looking at it. I'm tired of feeling guilty for not posting. It's not perfect, maybe not even coherent, but I'm just going to wrap it up and hit publish and move on. There are more important things waiting for me to feel inadequate about.
My next 5 blog topics (and the dates I will pretend to post them)
My awesome husband!! - Aug 4th
Why our cloth diapers are sitting around unused - Aug 7th
Why it's crucial, in a long term relationship, to talk about divorce once in a while - Aug 10th
What the hell are we going to do about our cat who is still peeing on the garage floor? - Aug 14th
Okay, and something fun, like pics of our fantastic summer so far (no guilt :) - Aug 17th